An interview with God!  

Posted by Divya A L in

“Today its my privilege to introduce India’s 777777th God inaugurated at Bangalore in the city’s prime location. Welcome Sri sri sri……”

“Hi All, I am Sri – Devi…. Namasthe”, the God himself volunteered and put me out of trouble! I felt how really Godly of him!!

“Welcome madam, on the show!”

“Child, I guess addressing me as ‘Sir’ will be apt”

“Oh, sorry sir. There was a popular cine actress in south by your name… So I presumed you were a ‘she’”.

“That is ok dear child… I was asked not to discriminate people over here with gender. Hence the name!” he said.

“So, Sriji… when and where were you born? What is your purpose? And you must be very lucky to have found a shelter in one of city’s prime location!”

“Beti… its all in the way we operate. I am part of a multi threaded application in which we get spawned as and when we feel we have outnumbered our targets in creating humans every cycle. But I still think the problem of human to God ratio in India is unresolved. Its like the chicken and egg problem. Sometimes we are too many in number that we find scarce of entities we try to manage or vice versa.”

I was stunned at the answer!

“Are you Gods computer literates too??”

God LOLed….

“My dear child, you humans are part of several millions of applications we run. We have a finance team, marketing team etc… In fact this entire idea were bribed by you humans and now you are able to simulate well and better off than we Gods”

“Can you please elaborate on that?”

“Sure… It all started when Dennis Ritchie along with an Indian visited a temple in India and dropped a $1 note for the pooja offerings. The Indian had offered a 1ps coin then. Both wanted to find a way out to simplify mathematical calculations. Just when I was about to grant the wish to the Indian, Lord Lakshmi , the chief financier interrupted to examine the new currency. She quickly had a word with Lord Venky and asked me to grant the wish to Dennis over the Indian. Then on we blessed only the non-Indians and they have successfully collaborated our system and techniques into theirs.”

“How do you operate?” I asked.

“I am afraid I can’t tell you that. I have a non disclosure agreement on that . If I give away all information, you will no longer require us and our stakes will be at risk! Moreover India happens to be the only country where we were able to make huge profits and customer satisfaction is at an ever high”

“We have a mahamangalarati at the end of this and we plan to gift you a crown studded with diamonds” I said.

“I shall answer your previous question very briefly.” The God answered immediately.

“Please go ahead “ I said…

“We believe that, for the success of our system, it is very important for the stakeholders to gain trust and faith in us. And for that we have/had different strategies depending upon the customers.” He answered.

“What are your primary strategies?” I asked.

“Strategy 1: This is one of our first and oldest strategies. We presented ourselves as someone who is supernatural. We tweak into people’s minds and induce ‘dreams’ where we put them into their most comfort zones. Then we advertise saying – ‘Believe in us, we make them come true’. This had worked wonderfully well for centuries where people blindly believed in us while we were only playing their future well in advance. Poor people. We made a fortune in those days… Then people began to question that they anyway came true and what is it we were doing. This led to the dawn of 2nd strategy….

Strategy 2: We induced nightmares! We received much much better responses with this strategy. It is a lovely feeling to see “fear” in people’s eyes. But there were some people who dared anything, at the cost of their lives. So, it started to fail eventually.”

“Can Gods be demons too?” I asked.

“No we instantiate demons on a need basis. They get created when required and destroyed after their purpose is served. They were commonly used in strategy 2 to scare people. But, we Gods can be demonic in nature, but still remain GODS. The UI or the foreground is pleasing enough to not be bothered about the demonic background process. One of the kings in this area is Lord Shani, the ruler of Saturn.”

Strategy 3: “Divide and Rule” Though we proclaim that we create everyone equal, in reality that is not the case. When a devotee comes and asks “why only me??” we have a point of reference to say he is better off than someone else or we’d help him get better and on par with somebody else. Our major manageability concern is addressed in this strategy. We can make people feel extremely good or pathetic depending upon our profits… And the most successful thing about this strategy are “there are customers always”

With strategy 3 we found people not in a state to afford anything for their mere survival.. so they started to forget us…. Hence evolved strategy 4.

Strategy 4: Take away from people who have. They are so much in love with things/people they have that when they lose them they will definitely want to give us a try to get them back. This was the most successful of the lot. “

“W.O.W!! But why do you do all this? What is your purpose?” I asked

“Our original purpose was to keep the entire system in equilibrium. Make everyone and everything in this world happy and contented. When we did that, you humans started to invent “degrees in happiness”. Naturally, the lower in order began to feel discontented and turned “unhappy”. With this, all our strategies had to evolve.”

“Well, but since you happen to be the supernaturals, why would you require one to come to you instead of you identifying people’s problems yourself and addressing them?”

“That is what we used to do earlier…. But man progressed so much fast that our curiosity levels of what all man could be doing increased and we started to create more and more people which led to population explosion. Our trivial methods of keeping him happy started to fail miserably. Hence we had to come out as multiple instances of the same base class object or spwan multiple threads or a mix of both. Having done all this, the “cost factor” began to evolve. Instead of improving our strategy, we have started to follow yours. They are quite simple and effective. “

“Do you mean to say humans are now evolving as Gods?” I asked

“The Gods are now evolving as humans. We new GODS are like start ups. We need funds; we need to look for customer attention. And we need to work on miracles. Starting off in a city like Bangalore is quite competitive unless I predict the future of politicians. I have closed a deal with the CM yesterday.” he said.

“Is he going to become a PM??” I asked curiously…

“Please read tomorrow’s newspapers” he said.

“Wouldn’t it be so easy to just make your presence so that everyone believes you instead of the hide and seek game?? ”

“Oh Madamji… this Is a risky task. You humans are too smart to read our trade secrets. There are several other advantages too. We, ‘like’ humans, are curious to know what you think about us. I love the argument about if “GOD” is there are not. Also, it reduces our load to a great extent as most of the people are turning into atheists, by chance or by choice.”

“What do you have to say about atheists?”

“To be honest, we have some breathing space due to those people. They just don’t bother us with their troubles. But they are dangerous too… There are likely more chances that they render us as ‘endangered species’ in the near future. But yes, we have a strategy for that too… We slowly enroll them as new GODS and they automatically fall in that chain.”

“Why don’t you give everyone what they want and keep all of us happy? Why don’t you just draw a line to all that humans wish for?”

“In that case, people will not even know we exist.”answered God.

ME - “Why do they need to know? Do you care so much about seeking attention and popularity?”

GOD - “We also do have an appraisal cycle madam!!”

And there I faint!

This entry was posted on Friday, April 22, 2011 at Friday, April 22, 2011 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

5 comments

punch yenu? appraisal time-a? neenu God-a? :P

April 23, 2011 at 10:40 PM

punch enu illa.... sumne thale ketti bardirodu ashte .... Absolute nonsense :)

April 23, 2011 at 10:42 PM

ha ha ha.. this one is awesome...

May 26, 2011 at 10:31 AM

hmmmm.... :)))

May 26, 2011 at 8:23 PM

@Anonymous: The intention was not to hurt anyone's sentiments here whether religious or otherwise.... And ther was nothing in here to get hurt! These are purely my personal opinions and not intended at anyone else!! If you don't like something, ignore!

May 27, 2011 at 10:00 AM

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